On Being English

On Wednesday afternoons I help out at a local primary school in a classroom for children that are struggling, or whom have essentially been temporarily removed from their regular classroom due to behavioural issues. These children, regardless of how many times they flick me off or shout swear words at me because life hasn't treated them as it should treat children of their age, make me ridiculously happy. Weekly, one of them asks me, “Heidi, do I speak American?” And in the most hilarious voice possible that only seems to heighten the North Yorkshire accent, he proceeds to repeat every word I say for the next half hour. Although I try to be very sincere and keep a straight face as I tell him he's getting closer and to keep practicing, he knows very well that I am hiding a smile. However, he is not so gracious to me when I perform my English accent for him, which to my dismay as I spend more time in England, has unintentionally come out more and more through my responses to poor unsuspecting and slightly bewildered people. Thus, to assist me in giving up my “atrocious” American habits, my new little friend has decided to dedicate his time in this classroom to teaching me how to be “proper English” so that when I return to the States I can bequeath my new found knowledge upon all my counterparts so that they in turn, will learn how to be “real, normal people”, as my friend informs me. Now, in all my 23 years of life, never have I once thought that I wasn't a real person, yet since coming to England, I have since been enlightened. :) So my friends and family, let me now, share my enlightenment. First of all, in north England, “tea” does not just mean merely a cup of tea, oh no. There are numerous meanings to this simple, three letter word, but it all depends on the time of day one is referring to. For instance, if I invited you over for tea at about “half past six” as they say in England (six thirty is absolutely unheard of language) it would mean that I am not inviting you over for an actual cup of tea, but I am inviting you over for the evening meal. Naturally, tea will be served, but that is only after everyone has finished eating the meal, as well as the pudding, which is in fact not “pudding” as we Americans know it, but is actually any type of dessert. However, if I invited you over at 10am for tea, that would mean that you are most likely going to receive a cup of tea, and possibly a biscuit, which to my bewilderment isn't in fact a biscuit at all in the way we think of it as some bread based doughy object you put jam on, but is actually something along the lines of a very hard and crunchy cookie that most people dunk in their tea in hopes of softening it before it is consumed. When greeting someone, it is always appropriate to say “Hiya! You all right?” A question which very rarely requires an answer. At first I was constantly concerned, thinking that everyone thought something was wrong with me or maybe I looked a little funny that day or like I hadn't slept that night, and that's why they were asking if I was all right. Yet thanks to my friend, I have now been informed that this greeting is almost like saying “Hi, I see you there, and I will acknowledge you, but please don't engage me in a conversation that could possibly become too personal or lengthy.” Moreover, in conversations, whether passing someone on the street or while hanging out with a friend, and I cannot emphasize this enough, there MUST NEVER be silence. When all else fails, talk about the weather. After all, this is England, and the weather could change at any moment. However, most of the time it seems to fall under the category that Brits refer to as “absolute rubbish”, where the sky is overcast and it's most likely raining, or going to be raining within the next couple minutes, or perhaps it recently stopped raining. Yes, yes. That is more likely. Also, when getting directions from someone who is English, you may want to think twice about it and just go search for a map. These are some directions I received when I first arrived in Beverley: “To get into the town center walk towards the rail road tracks (mind you, they weren't anywhere in sight) and turn left when you see a big bush by a post box. Carry on down that street until you find a snick-et (what in the world that was, I had no idea) and turn down it. Wind around, cross the drive, carry on down the snick-et which will meet up again after you cross the drive and go down it a ways, until you come to a pub, then turn left. There are two round-a-bouts, and on the second one you should take the third from the left turn. Follow the road and take a right at the green house (funny...all the houses here are made from bricks....) and walk until you come to a pedestrian only zone which will be marked by a post. Then you've reached town. If you see a cow, you've gone to far so turn around and reverse the directions.” To which I inquired about road names, only to learn that people don't really know the names of the roads around here, and the directions I received were excellent directions compared to most others I've gotten while living here. Maps are an excellent investment. Terminology and phrases that are important to know in England (and trust me, they're VERY important, for I am forced to review them with my little friend every single Wednesday): 1) It just does my head in (meaning something along the lines of the situation being annoying) 2) Winding me up (frustrating or irking me) 3) I just can't be bothered (whatever they should have done, they didn't because, really, they just plain didn't feel like it) 4) Trousers (pants...never, ever say pants unless you're referring to your underwear/knickers) 5) Nappy (diaper) 6) Track suit bottoms, or trackies (known to us as “sweatpants”, but considering what “pants” means in England....well...really...you never want to make the same mistake that I have and say “sweatpants”. It makes for a very awkward situation) 7) Rubber (eraser...really, I know what you're thinking) 8) Magnum (an amazing ice cream brand, so get your mind out of the gutter!) 9) Pavement (sidewalk...which funny story about this, I was typing this blog in a word document and the spell check kept changing “sidewalk” to “pavement”! My little friend also tells me every Wednesday that “sidewalk” just doesn't make sense, because it's paved and “sidewalk” has nothing to do with pavement. Clearly, Americans are odd creatures) 10) Ta (thank you) 11) Shattered/Knackered (very tired) 12) Thingy (EVERYTHING is referred to as “thingy” so you have to follow conversations along very closely to actually know what “thingy” is in hopes of even somewhat remotely following the conversation) 13) Jumper (which is in fact not a dress which I discovered after the initial shock I encountered when my supervisor (who is a male) told me his was going to put on his jumper, yet something more along the lines of a sweatshirt) I hope that you have had as much fun learning through reading this as I have learning through living the English culture these past 8 months. Now, I trust and hope that you are all well, and that you, like myself, feel like brand new enlightened people thanks to my little friend, ready to live life the proper English way.